My Absolute Favorite Parenting Resource

Have you ever made up a chart system to get the children to do their chores, only to have them roll  their eyes and say, "Another chart??"  My children are weary of my attempts to police their behavior.  They know that the chart will only last as long as my will to enforce, and that never makes it longer than a month.  Then a year or so later, I try again with another chart, etc., etc.  I'm probably weird like that, but I was just wondering if anyone else could relate.  Recently, I came across a book that I have been sharing with everyone I can, and almost everyone has found it to be a wonderful resource.  Rather than being based on behavior modification, it is based on the fundamental principles necessary to teaching children how to govern their own behavior.  Part of the process is teaching the mom how to handle various situations, but the beauty is that you always go back to the basic principles, instead of looking around for another system.  The book is entitled: A House United: Changing Children's Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self Government, written by Nicholeen Peck.  I don't have the system down anywhere near perfectly, but even the little bits I'm able to do make a big difference on the days that I can remember to use them.  The more consistent I am, the better their behavior is.  When I feel things slipping out of control, I simply go back to these same core principles and things start falling into place, and everyone is happier.  In this system there is no need for anger or harsh punishments, because consequences firmly and lovingly applied work better.  She talks about how to do those things, as well as how to set up a family structure in this book.

The basis of the system is to teach 4 Basic Skills.  From her blog:

The Four Basic Skills

I wanted to review the four basic skills with you.  I will now have these as well as the steps to the teaching styles in a permanent category called Four Basics/Steps. I hope this is helpful.  

The Four Basic Skills – 99% of all behavioral problems fall into one of the four basic skills that should be taught.  You can create other steps to specific behaviors by logically deciding how a behaviorally healthy person solves similar situations. But, if it isn’t obvious what steps to teach the youth for a specific behavior, then use the four basic skills again.  The four basic should be taught first.  For most children, these four will cover all behaviors that they have a problem with.   
             
 Following Instructions
Look at the person
Calm voice, face, body
Say “OK” or ask to disagree appropriately
Do the task immediately
Check Back

Accepting NO Answers/ Criticism
Look at the person
Calm voice, face, body
Say “OK” or ask to disagree
Drop the subject

Accepting Consequence
Look at the person
Calm voice, face, body
Say “OK” or ask to disagree
Perform the consequence immediately
Drop the subject

Disagreeing Appropriately
Look at the person
Calm, face,voice, body
Ask to disagree appropriately
Say you understand other person’s opinion
Explain your opinion
After decision, say “OK”
Drop the subject

She also gives instructions on what the mom should say when giving instructions, or consequences.  It takes practice, but it's great in that it helps the children come to realize that they are responsible for what happens in their life.  Unpleasant consequences (usually extra chores) follow poor choices, and pleasant consequences follow good choices.

  If you'd like to get a taste of this philosophy, or order the book, go here:  www.teachingselfgovernment.com .  You'll be glad you did!