Warning: Corn tortillas can kill you.

No, the little critters don't jump up and try to stab you with your fork, or anything like that. They're a lot more subtle, in that they burst into flame when no one is looking. This is not like that gas pump story where some people have burst into flame while talking on their cell phones at the same time they're pumping gas. This happens to tortillas when high heat is applied and I think somebody needs to write a letter to the FDA suggesting that they put labels on them. In my article on ADED (Attention Deficit to Everything Disorder, in case you missed it), I mentioned my problem with grilling cheese sandwiches. Apparently the disorder is hereditary, probably carried on a recessive gene somewhere, and we found out the other day that one of the boys has it. I don't think it has anything at all to do with my being the common denominator to both my and his situations, so for now, I'm going with the hereditary thing.

I was in my room trying to do homework when my 15-year-old son came in and asked what I was reading. It turned out to be Lord of the Flies (which I don't recommend, necessarily, and which I would not have bothered with except that it was required for a class I'm currently taking; but I will say that it wasn't as gruesome as I expected, so there's that at least). He asked what it was about, and it will come as a shocker to anyone who reads my stuff here, that it took more than just a few seconds to tell him about it, especially since I was close to finishing it. So I launched into the plot, adding interesting commentary along the way (well, I thought it was), when all of a sudden his eyes got big and he said, "Oh! I've got stuff in the oven!" Okay, it had been quite a while that we were there talking, so I was just waiting to see what he had to say. "They're on fire!" he yelled from the kitchen. If I were a more reactionary type, I would have been in there, but being as I tend to go calm in the face of emergencies, I yelled back, "Blow on them!" "It didn't work! I can't get them out of the oven!" By now, I was finally trying to scoot myself across the micofiber bedspread without setting myself on fire from the static sparks flying everywhere, and I finally made it to the kitchen to see the whole cookie sheet covered in 4-inch flames. Right, blowing on them wouldn't have worked. I thought I remembered from somewhere deep in the recesses of my brain that closing the oven door would remove the oxygen and smother the fire. So I did that, hoping that my brain knew what it was talking about. Within a short time the flames went out and then smoke started pouring forth from under the back burner. I think smoke is better than fire, but now we had to open the windows and doors while that cleared out. I got the cookie sheet with the charred remains out of the oven and took them outside to cool off on the back step. It wasn't until that evening when we were telling my husband about it that I found out that it wasn't bread that was under that cheese, but tortillas, and they had been so burned up I couldn't tell the difference. I'm thinking of doing some research for my preparedness blog, which so far doesn't have anything on it, to find out if tortillas have ever been thought of as a substitute for firewood. Maybe if I dehydrated them, I could break them up for kindling. It would be kind of cool if I turned out to be the originator of a new idea. Just remember, you saw it here first.

Just as a review, let's go over the safety rules for broiling things in the oven:
1. Stay with it until it's done and the oven is turned off. If you haven't got all minute to wait, you shouldn't be broiling. Eat a banana.
2. If you forget to do #1, and the stuff catches fire, close the oven door. Or better yet, broil with the door closed and it shouldn't be able to catch fire in the first place. My mom always broiled with the door open, so I do. She probably cut the ends off the ham, too.
3. Don't try to toast tortillas in the toaster, because there is no door to close when they catch fire. I won't embarrass anyone by saying why that rule is on here, just trust me on this one.


Here's a free label that you can cut out and stick on all your tortilla packages, if you'd like. The life you save could be your own.
Afterword: It occurs to me that it might not be just corn tortillas that we have to watch out for, but since corn is my area of expertise, I'll leave the title as is until I've had experience with other kinds. Not that I'm planning on it, mind you.