Evaluating

I received the following in an email today, and it fit so perfectly with my purpose for doing this blog that I had to pass it along. It was written by Sister M. Catherine Thomas, who used to teach at BYU. She writes, “I remember a liberating experience I had during our mission in the Canary Islands. We were staying in the old mission home on Gran Canaria, up toward the top of a mountain. We had just returned from some diligent teaching. I was feeling that I hadn’t done a good enough job. When I was alone, I knelt down and told the Lord how sorry I was, how I had let Him down, and so on -- all my self-doubt surfacing. In the middle of praying, a voice suddenly said to me, “Stop it! Stop evaluating yourself and just come to Me.” My whole neurotic life passed before me, and I saw how much time I had wasted feeling apologetic about my own performance. How often anxiety replaces the comfort of the Gospel! I’ve come to realize what a red-flag that is and how it signals the false assumptions we carry.

I have continued thinking about self-evaluation as I hear people say, “I know I should be doing more,” or “I should have done better.” I hear shame, guilt, self-criticism, and self-dislike, and “I’m just not good enough,” and “I’m just not making it.” And these are often conscientious people doing the best they know how. Since I have felt and said all these things, I empathize – I know these feelings.

But the problem with these feelings of self-discontent is that they can create a gap between us and the Lord, make routine and superficial our relationship with Him, and preclude any sort of strong faith. We put all the evidence of our spiritual adequacy in the doing basket, in the checking off the things required of us – but neglect the aspect of our being with Him, without which we have not come to Christ – but we don’t know how to bridge this gap.

So, if we’re trapped in shame, guilt, inadequacy, fear, despair, or spiritual apathy, and as members of the Lord’s Church and know we won’t light a cigarette or reach for a drink to take the edge off, we may just reach for a pill – or maybe just leave the Church, (emotionally, if not physically), looking for some comfort. But these actions don’t solve the problem. Let me say that finding greater spiritual comfort is not so much, in my experience, a matter of trying harder, but of shifting our thinking.

Here is the first shift (I’ll discuss a second shift in the next column):

We have to believe in the doctrine of “no-merit,” explained in Alma 22:14: “Since man had fallen he could not merit anything of himself; but the sufferings and death of Christ atone for their sins through faith and repentance.” And we have to realize that “deserving” is not the basis of this divine relationship: “Thou didst hear me because of afflictions and sincerity [notice that no deserving or merit is mentioned]; and it is because of thy Son that thou hast been thus merciful unto me, wherefore I will cry unto thee in all mine afflictions, for in thee is my joy.” (Alma 33:11).

My experience is that the Voice is still speaking saying, “Stop creating obstacles and just come to Me; the transformation is in Me.”

But how to stop skating along the surface and plunge deeply into the bosom of the Savior where a different vision opens up? Moroni counsels, “Come unto Christ and be perfected IN Him”—not alone out in the raw and lonely world; he says, “deny yourselves of all ungodliness” and “love God with all your might, mind, and strength” (Moroni 10:32). This verse describes what we are to teach our mind and heart to do during the day-to-day. No half-measures fully turn the key.

But it takes a while to identify the ungodliness, (even though the Spirit has been gently pointing it out for some time), and to let it go; and it takes a while to let this Love develop under all the layers we have laid over it. But as the ungodliness retreats, the Love emerges, and these practices become transformative.

And once we take the Lord seriously and stop treating lightly the things we have received (see D&C 84:54), then all the petty aberrations in our soul that loomed so large in our inner vision seem to thin and fade into nothingness, leaving us clean and content to be who we are as we humble ourselves and grow better in the warm bosom of the Lord Jesus Christ.” (End of article; all emphases in the original.) (Source: http://www.ldsmag. com/daily/ 100219.html )

What a great article! It reminded me of a slightly similar experience I had some years ago. I had been inspired with an idea for a new design for the temple envelopes, so after making one and using it, I carried it around with me to show people who I thought might be interested in them. Since I only had the one, and it was the one I used when I went to the temple, I just took it with me when I showed it to people, leaving the clothing in it. One day I was showing the envelope to someone who was reviewing items for possible inclusion in her craft show, showing her the pockets where the different pieces of clothing went, when she told me that she had never been to the temple, being an inactive member of the church at that time. I got this awful sinking feeling that I had just done something terribly wrong by showing the clothing to someone who didn’t know anything about it (even though I was actually showing the bag, the clothing was still there and exposed somewhat), and when I got back to the car, I said a prayer apologizing to Heavenly Father for it. I promised that I would go right home and take the clothing out of the demo bag, and I asked Him to forgive me. I immediately heard a voice in the back of my mind say, "I already have," and a feeling of deep gratitude and love washed over me, as I realized that He is waiting for me to come to Him; not sitting on His throne with angry eyebrows and his arms crossed in front of him condemning me every time I make a mistake. He knows and expects that I will make many mistakes, but I believe that He watches over me during those times anticipating that I will turn to Him. He did not need me to ask for forgiveness; it was for me that I had to do that. By the time I arrived home, any guilt or shame associated with the matter was behind me. I did not have to carry that burden any longer than the time it took me to sincerely repent of my error. He patiently waits for me to turn to him to relieve me of those burdens that I might otherwise carry around with me, sometimes for years. I have carried heavy suitcases through big airports, before the days when suitcases had wheels. I remember it was always with a feeling of relief, a rest, if you will, when I could be relived of that burden. When Christ says, “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest,” He is telling us that if we will do that, He will either help us carry those burdens or take them from us all together. Either way, the load is lighter and easier to bear. It truly feels like a rest to be relieved of emotional baggage whether that baggage consists of unrepented sin, feelings of guilt for giving into our weaknesses yet again, or the feeling of knowing that I need to forgive or ask for forgiveness. Since coming to this realization, and having felt the difference between carrying the baggage, and the “peace that passeth understanding” I now try to do what it takes to dump the baggage as soon as possible. The realization that the atonement can apply to me in my every day situations and not just when I commit the BIG sins, has made a huge difference in my life, and in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Isn't the Gospel just totally Awesome!


Come unto Me and I will give you rest.