After All I Could Do

“The quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath.” When I first read those lines from Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice in my literature class last summer, I could not have imagined that within a short time I would have my own powerful example of mercy and be able to add my interpretation of the poem to the many already in existence. My experience comes from something that happened related to my economics class this semester, and it has changed my life. Apparently without consulting what should have been my better judgment, I signed up for 8 credits through the online school I attend: two 3-credit economics classes, and a 2-credit writing class. I don’t know what possessed me to take on such a load, since it really was too much considering everything else I had going on, but I did. The class requires that we read books considered to be classics in the area of study, and then discuss them with our class or in other settings where appropriate. While reading, we are supposed to jot down any questions that arise, and write down quotes that mean something to us and comment on them. After reading the book, we are then required to write a short summary about the contents of the book, and lastly to write a response based on what we learned from reading the book. It is quite an involved process, though not especially difficult if one has the foresight to keep up with the assignments. I didn’t, and that’s where the problem began.

I had been trying to read the books that were assigned as I went along, but the books were long, and not especially interesting to me, though I did enjoy the discussions about them during class. I could only read for fifteen or twenty minutes before being overtaken by an overwhelming desire to sleep. About half way through the semester, I realized how far behind I had fallen and knew that it was going to take a lot of work for me to get through those classes. Soon, all I was doing was getting up in the morning and studying, stopping only when absolutely compelled to, and then returning as quickly as possible for the rest of the day until finally going to bed to try to sleep before it all began again. My health began to suffer somewhat as I developed some back pain from all the sitting and lack of exercise. I wasn’t eating well nor was I getting much sleep. I was feeling very stressed and it all finally came to a head a couple of weeks before Christmas, with a big George Bailey type of breakdown, though I did not threaten to jump off of a bridge. I realized that I needed to get a grip, but still had all the homework hanging over my head.

It got down to the last few of days of the semester and I spent many hours studying for the oral and written finals that were coming up. I had turned in all of my assignments but one, and that one was still quite a few hours from being finished. It was now little more than a week before Christmas and I had done nothing to prepare for it. No tree, no shopping, no decorations. When I realized how much time it was going to take me to actually finish the last assignment, I decided that I couldn’t do any more. My family needed to have me back for Christmas, and I just needed to have some time to regain my sanity. So I submitted the final assignment, with this introductory note:

“Please note: This is the last assignment I have to turn in this semester. For the past 2 months I have spent every waking hour that wasn’t absolutely committed to something else studying for this class, sometimes totaling 5-8+ hours/day. You will notice that the annotations below only go into Chapter 3. I have read more than half of the book and I have a couple of other chapters highlighted, but I’m not going to do any more. I’ve given all I can to this class. I haven’t decorated for Christmas, nor put up a tree; most of my shopping is still to do and whatever benefit might yet await me for finishing this assignment, will pale in comparison to the disappointment of one family if their mother doesn’t get busy and make this place feel like Christmas. I was attempting to pull out the stated truths in each section, but I [have done 10 pages of quotes so far], and I’m not even a third of the way through yet. I really have no commentary to add to what he has already been said, I just wanted to find the crux of his message. Surely with all I’ve done I’ve earned a passing grade in this class. I’ve done the best I could do under the circumstances. In spite of all the headache, I’ve enjoyed the class and I feel like I have learned a lot from it, and the discussions have been very enjoyable. Merry Christmas. :)”

I had no idea what the reaction would be to my audacity. I had never done anything like it before, but I had never experienced the kind of stress that I did during that semester. I even started to cry at the beginning of the oral exams because the teacher asked me something like what did I think of the class? I constantly felt like a dam about ready to burst, but I was all right as long as no one asked me personal questions about my state of being. I noticed that on a couple of the other assignments, I had received an 85% grade for not having totally finished reading the book, but having done all of the other assignments relating to it. In this case, I hadn’t read all of the book, and I’d only done about a third of the assignment. I felt like I had thrown myself on the mercy of the court, and all I could do was await the verdict.

I checked the grades every day to see what the outcome was, and on the 3^rd day it was posted. I was in shock as I saw a 100/100 next to the title of the book in question. I double checked to make sure I was seeing correctly and when the realization of what had happened dawned on me, I burst into tears.

Now for the epiphany…

I realized that the emotion had nothing to do with the fact that I had just received an “A” on an assignment that was way below “A” standards. I felt the compassionate hand of mercy extended to me, after I had done all I had the power to do in that class. It wasn’t just a passing grade, it was the highest grade possible. I had received the same grade on that paper as all the others who had done all the work. My offering of all I could do was accepted as payment in full, and it dawned on me that I had just been given a gift more penetrating and lasting than any “A” on any paper could provide.

I had been given a taste of what it will feel like as I go before my Heavenly Father after this life is over, with remembrance of all the things I’ve done wrong. I will have repented along the way, but the memory of the many wrongs will still be in my mind. I will be standing there in front of my Heavenly Father, with Jesus by my side, knowing that I haven’t done enough. There always seems to be more that can be done. I will have tried to do my best, but in the back of my mind, I’ll be wondering if it was worth all the effort. I will say that I did the best I could, but knowing that I fell far short of the goal-- the commandment-- of perfection. Then Jesus will step forward and say, “I paid the price for her. She is mine. For my sake, give her a place in the kingdom.” Then Heavenly Father will put an A+, 100% at the top of my paper and He will say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. . .enter into thy rest,” and He will let me pass. At that moment I will know that it was all worth it. I will fall down and bathe the feet of my Savior with tears of undying gratitude. The plan really worked, just like He kept saying it would.

In the moment I saw that grade, I felt a deep sense of love for my Heavenly Father, for answering my many prayers for help to be able to finish the class. That feeling was followed by another feeling of love for my teacher, who had understood the offering and accepted it, which was then followed by a sense of remorse for the way I sometimes treat my family members for not performing in the way I want them to. It is so easy sometimes to stay upset for a time, to make sure they “learn a lesson.” A passing “C” grade on the paper would have engendered a feeling of gratitude from me, but not in the deep way that it happened under the circumstances just described. I believe that if I will go forward applying what I have learned that I will be much more willing to quickly forgive and not make people suffer more than what the realization of wrong doing is already causing them to suffer. I believe that when they feel the effects of mercy in their lives, the feelings between us will grow stronger.

As I have pondered the significance of this experience for me, and what I might learn from it, the following parable was brought to mind:

Matt 20:1-16 "For the Kingdom of Heaven is like a man who was the master of a household, who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. When he had agreed with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. He went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the marketplace. To them he said, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and whatever is right I will give you.’ So they went their way. Again he went out about the sixth and the ninth hour, and did likewise. About the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle. He said to them, ‘Why do you stand here all day idle?’ "They said to him, ‘Because no one has hired us.’ "He said to them, ‘You also go into the vineyard, and you will receive whatever is right.’ When evening had come, the lord of the vineyard said to his steward, ‘Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning from the last to the first.’ "When those who were hired at about the eleventh hour came, they each received a denarius. When the first came, they supposed that they would receive more; and they likewise each received a denarius. When they received it, they murmured against the master of the household, saying, ‘These last have spent one hour, and you have made them equal to us, who have borne the burden of the day and the scorching heat!’ "But he answered one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Didn’t you agree with me for a denarius? Take that which is yours, and go your way. It is my desire to give to this last just as much as to you. Isn’t it lawful for me to do what I want to with what I own? Or is your eye evil, because I am good?’ So the last will be first, and the first last. For many are called, but few are chosen."

In the past when I read this parable, I wondered how the apparent injustice could be justified. My experience with my class taught me the lesson I was missing. I was seeing myself as one of the workers who had been in the field all day and had actually “earned” the denarius. Obviously if we are playing by the world’s rules where we expect “fairness,” it isn’t fair for those who work for an hour to receive the same pay as those who have worked for 3, 6, 9, or 11 hours. What we sometimes forget, though, is that in the game of life, we are playing by God’s rules. He sets the terms along with the blessings that come from honoring those terms, and the consequences that follow disobedience to them. His game isn’t about fairness, but about exalting all of His children. As He said, “For this is my work and my glory: To bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). It isn’t fairness by the world’s standards that He’s after, it’s exaltation for all of His children who pay the price for it. This was a perfect example of what I experienced, and for the first time I saw myself as the man who had only worked for one hour. How would my classmates feel to know that I had received full credit for much less than full work? As I realized that I had received the whole prize, my heart broke in gratitude for such a gift. I believe that if they had been in my place, they would have seen it the same way. Our perception of the parables and other life lessons changes depending on where we see ourselves based on our circumstances at the time we read them.

We have all made many mistakes in our lives. Life is basically making mistakes, learning from them, moving on to new experiences where we make more mistakes, learn from them, etc. What I have learned from this experience is that it doesn’t matter what we have done in the past, all that matters is now. At any moment that we realize we aren’t on the path that leads to where we want to go, we can make a decision to change paths. It doesn’t matter how old we are, or what we’ve done. As others have said, God doesn’t grade on a curve; we are only judged against ourselves and we only have to keep improving in comparison to our past performance, not against anyone else’s. The atonement of Christ is powerful enough to cover the effects of sin and heartache for all who repent and come unto Him. Because of Him, we can all receive A+,100% on our life’s test, and in the end receive “all that the Father hath.”

I believe that Shakespeare must have understood and felt the quality of mercy in his life. His description is too perfect to think he just pulled it out of his head. Truly it “droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven” blessing both the giver and the receiver.

The Quality of Mercy

The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings.
But mercy is above this sceptered sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings;
It is an attribute of God himself;
And earthly power doth then show like God's
When mercy seasons justice.

I pray that my experience might help others come to a deeper understanding of the beautiful quality of mercy and how it can apply in their life. In the name of

Jesus Christ,

Amen.